Conflict does not equal contest. However, when the stress is on, it’s often the default setting. Primitive instinct have adhered to this code for thousands of years. When a dispute occurs, we engage in the forever increasing effort to ‘win’ this battle. Unfortunately, this increased effort comes at a cost. The expense is a diminishing ability to have empathy or to understand our opponents point of view.

As we increase our effort to conquer and decrease our ability to listen, our adversary follows suit. A compromise is rarely reached and thus the conflict resumes in the future. However, it also sets in motion a character trait of what our lover thinks about us. “My partner has proven time and time again that they are unwilling or unable to listen to me!” As the years go by this belief becomes set in stone.

Target fixation is a term that’s usually associated with fighter pilots. However, I want to use it to describe a heated argument. People can become so consumed in their effort to be heard that they’re blinded to anything else! Just like a pilot that’s been possessed with target fixation, they can also get shot down from what they’re ignoring!

They’re ignoring the fact that their ability to listen is diminishing. Ears are sound detectors only. It takes brain power to decipher the message. However, if this brain power is 98% focused on getting the point across, this leaves little ability to decipher the message. Our partner will then do the same to us that we do to them. Both lose their ability to hear as they increase their effort to be heard. This perpetuates and prevents the tension from easing.

How do arguments blow up and cause irreparable damage? This can be a complex question. Unfortunately, it’s rarely asked until we have no choice but to confront the issue. The complex question is only pondered when the catastrophe is staring us in the face! It sure would be nice if we only had a time machine and can undue things.

It usually stems from a problem that’s been ignored for years. This irritation has been downplayed simply because it’s convenient to do so, rendered as not important, or filed in the ‘too hard box’. When the conflict reaches the point on no return, people suddenly see clearer and get overwhelmed with the feeling of “OMG! I DIDN”T REALIZE THAT IT WAS SO IMPORTANT!”

Men and women think so differently that it’s as though they speak a different language. Yelling doesn’t fix the language barrier problem. It only introduces another one.

Men and women think so differently that it’s as though they speak a different language. Raising your voice doesn’t fix the language barrier problem. It only introduces another one. This new problem greatly complicates the existing problem. Yelling doesn’t help the problem. It only vents frustration at the expense of making the situation much worse!

The above paragraph is obvious. Everybody already knows this. Restraining your loud voice during times of frustration is difficult. Reading about it doesn’t help because it’s too easy to forget. However, seeing this information in the form a cartoon will make a difference because it’s easy to remember.

When a person experienced a stressful situation repeatedly, they can start believing that their actions have no bearing on the outcome. In the illustration, the donkey learns that no matter how far he walks towards the carrot, it will still keep moving away. At this point, he gives up trying. We’ve all encountered people that couldn’t be pleased and have felt the exasperation that comes with it. When the person that can’t be pleased is the love of our life, this feeling is magnified (100 times? 1,000 times?)

I don’t want to rehash what we already know. (that this is stressful) I just want to look at at it from a different perspective. We know what it’s like to be on the receiving end. However, we could become so blinded with stress that we don’t know that we’re dishing it out! Our partner is doing this to us only because they’ve become just as blind as we are!

This example will hit home with many people. That’s because everybody has been on the receiving end of learned helplessness. When it’s in a cartoon form, not only can people recall this quickly but it also gives them incite that they may be dishing it out! They know how hurtful learned helplessness can be. However, they probably aren’t aware that they’re distributing the same amount of pain that their partner’s giving them!

This new look at empathy can be the ice breaker that’s needed in order to break the deadlock. When both partners understand about learned helplessness, it goes a long way into developing a truce within the volatile partnership. Years of exasperation will thaw when both see that their partner has felt the same way and can therefore can understand the same frustration. This is validating! All too often it’s the absence of validation which causes the deadlock in the first place!

We all know that men and women think differently. It’s difficult to understand what motivates the other especially when this driving force is incomprehensible to us. In order to explain one of the driving forces, I’ll use an analogy of a business that constructs a house. Initially the house gets built almost effortlessly and the construction business appears to have an amazing future ahead! This is a generalisation of one of the reasons why things go bad. Although it isn’t true for everyone, it highlights just how different the other can be in their beliefs. When things start to turn sour, both business partners have a closer look at what the other is doing. A flaw in their procedure is easily discovered. The other is trying to construct the roof BEFORE they construct the foundation!

The problem is that both have different ideas of what the groundwork is. Generally, women see that mental connection is the starting point of the relationship and that a good sex life may soon follow after that. Men, on the other hand, see that physical connection needs to take place so that mental connection can happen. When the relationship breaks down both try to fix it by repairing what they perceive is the foundation. While this is happening, the effort that their partner is making looks ridiculous to them! After all, how can someone expect the roof to stay up unless it’s sitting on a supporting structure?

The main problem of a conflict can be suppressed for various reasons as previously discussed. This problem can’t be contained and broils to the surface in other ways. The cartoon shows a ridiculous example of this. I don’t suggest that a dispute over toilet paper is a legitimate argument. However, I do ask you to refrain from using it as propaganda such as, “MY PARTNER GOES NUTS OVER TOILET PAPER! THIS PROVES THAT HE/SHE IS MENTALLY UNSTABLE AND THAT I’M RIGHT!” They may or may not have mental issues. Don’t be too quick to judge.

The ability to relax is like oxygen. It’s no big deal until you’re without it! If you can’t bring yourself to relax then you’re already aware that the mind can be a terrible master. Things can spiral out of control depending on your ability to tune out the brain bully. Often people don’t think that can’t afford the time for meditation. I’ll argue that point. You can’t afford the time or money that you’re wasting when you’re being kicked around by the brain bully!

Life is stressful. In order to cope with the stress we take ‘time out’ with our various forms of escapism. Unfortunately, some of the more common forms of escapism actually increases the stress in our life! This creates an even bigger need to make ourself temporarily forget about the stress.

Meditation is great for reducing stress. This is well know. However, what isn’t well know is why it does this. Peace isn’t the absence of disappointment, adversity, or difficult times. It’s the ability of being at peaceful in spite of those things. Meditation is the exercise that will increase our fitness so that we can still be peaceful when difficulties arise.